What to Say When Someone Tells You to Smile More

Four words have echoed across every boardroom, dating app, and city street in the world: You should smile more. Anastasia Ryan has heard it her whole life, but perhaps never more than in a role where the people she was speaking to couldn’t see her at all. “The majority of what I did was over the phone, and I still had my supervisor coming through and making gestures that I needed to smile while on a call,” she says. “And then eventually, I was told that my facial expressions weren’t appropriate in the office.” After being let go, Ryan channelled her rage into a novel called You Should Smile More, a workplace revenge fantasy about a telemarketer who’s fired for her neutral expression. Through its protagonist, Ryan was able to say all the things she wished she’d been able to say when those smile directives were lobbed at her. The same remarks might have inspired a rewarding career turn, but that doesn’t negate the damage they caused. “It is absolutely infuriating because it’s being singled out for your appearance and for the way you’re presenting yourself, in a way that’s not equal across gender standards,” she says. “It’s frustrating because we’re so much more than that.” Why it happens People (usually men) have been advising other people (almost always women) to smile more for as long as anyone can remember. “Men feel that it’s OK, if not entirely required, to tell women to smile, which is a really interesting assumption,” says Marianne LaFrance, an emerita professor of psychology and of women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University, and author of Why Smile? The Science Behind Facial Expressions. “The gender status quo is that women should smile more.” That stems largely from a sense of entitlement, she says. “Men laugh it off, as though it’s a male prerogative to tell a woman what to do with her body,” LaFrance says. People in certain industries, like health care workers and service workers, are especially likely to be told that “they need to constantly display their femininity. And one of the best ways to do that is to smile.” Read More: 15 Things to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight Another reason people deploy this line is because they feel uncomfortable when someone else’s face isn’t easy to read. Neutral expressions can be unsettling to people who expect emotional reassurance. “It’s less about me, and it’s all about your comfort, because you want to see me smile,” says Minda Harts, an assistant professor at NYU’s Wagner Graduate School of Public Service and author of Talk to Me Nice: The Seven Trust Languages For A Better Workplace. “It’s not about me being joyful.” Comments like these do more than create momentary discomfort. They send a subtle signal about whose feelings matter—and whose don’t. “Being told to smile sends a message that ‘you’re inconveniencing me,’ and over time, that erodes trust—not just with others, but with ourselves,” Harts says. “I used to internalize when people would say, ‘Oh, you need to smile more,’ and I’m like, ‘Is there something wrong with me? What’s going on with my face?’” When saying nothing says enough Figuring out how to respond when someone tells you to smile more can be complicated. The truth is, experts agree, that it’s not always practical to respond the way you’d like to. It’s sometimes easiest to address the comment nonverbally. Some people opt to just flash a smile, because they want the interaction to end quickly. “They feel awful for having done it, but they feel that they have no choice,” LaFrance says. “Unfortunately, it reduces the woman in some small way. She’s been caught not being appropriately feminine.” Another option is to remain stoic and hold your expression, letting your eyes do the work of signaling that the request isn’t welcome. Or you could do what LaFrance defaults to: offer a fake smile. “We all have a bunch of those, and it sort of looks like the smile is plastered on the face and it’s held too long—because the key to a genuine smile is that they’re very brief,” she says.  Will the person on the receiving end be able to tell? “It depends how good the fake is,” LaFrance says. “There are fakes that look like the real thing, and then there are fakes that look like it’s a satire. It’s a put on. It conveys a, ‘You want one? I’ll show you one’ sort of attitude.” That’s almost irrelevant, though, LaFrance adds. What matters is the way it lands internally. “I know that what I’m doing inside isn’t obeying the premise that he gets to call me out on something,” she says, “but that I get to decide in what form.” Redirecting without rewarding the comment Different scenarios call for different responses. Say a family member or someone else with good intentions phrases their remark like this: “You seem so serious lately—you should smile more.” It can work well to acknowledge their intent without changing your behavior, says Tatiana Teppoeva, founder and CEO of One Nonverbal Ecosystem, an organization that teaches business leaders how to decode nonverbal behavior, communication patterns, and personality dynamics. You might say, “Thank you for caring,” or “I appreciate you checking in.” You’re validating their intentions, she says, without accepting the idea that your expression needs correction. When people tell their colleagues to smile more, it’s often an attempt to redirect attention, minimize authority, or interrupt momentum, Teppoeva says. For example, you might be making a point in a meeting when someone interjects: “You’d come across better if you smiled more,” shifting focus away from whatever you were saying. In that case, neutral redirection or ignoring the comment entirely usually works best. You can continue your point without responding or calmly redirect: “Let’s stay on topic.” “Engaging emotionally or defensively reinforces the power move,” Teppoeva says. Continuing calmly, on the other hand, “signals authority and shows that your presence doesn’t require external approval.” Or consider this scenario: A colleague instructs you to smile more because it helps other people feel more at ease. Teppoeva suggests light acknowledgement without commitment: “That’s an interesting perspective,” or “I’ll think about it.” Occasionally, when she was still working in an office, Ryan would respond to comments suggesting she smile more like this: “Would you say that to a man?” You could even follow up with something like this, she adds: “It’s not your job to provide me with any sort of feedback on my appearance.” Read More: Can I Ask Someone if They’re on Ozempic? Though LaFrance prefers to respond nonverbally, she can think of a few effective comebacks. One of her favorites: “I will if you will.” Or, if you’re walking down the street and someone shouts at you—“Come on, honey, I want to see you smile”—you could say: “I wouldn’t if I were you, because it’s not pretty.” Some people feel best keeping their response light and defusing the tension with humor. You could make a joke like this, Harts says: “Smiling costs extra.” Another favorite: “I save my feelings for after meetings.” If you’d rather be direct, she likes this way of framing things: “I’m comfortable with how I’m showing up right now.” Or, you could flip the conversation back on the other person: “Why do you think so?” Or: “Can you say more about what you’re noticing? Is there something specific you need from me right now?” Ultimately, how you respond is a choice—not an obligation. The idea isn’t to be nicer; it’s to reclaim control. “I always tell people that you don’t need a perfect response. You just need one that protects your dignity and makes you feel safe,” Harts says. “You don’t have to perform happiness to be respected. You can be professional without providing joy on demand for somebody else.”